all this time
i’m still the same
i’m still me.
These demons never leave
they have made their fires
at the back of my mind,
fueled by your words,
and my thoughts,
until I am razed to the ground,
ashes and dust scattered.
like the hand on your heart
is this ecstasy?
There are days when I can’t bring myself to face the world. My head and heart feels empty – as if there is nothing left to live for. Getting out of bed, going to college and risking a breakdown is too much to handle. And yet, I don’t want to stay where I am – at home – because I know that staying here will bring back unwanted memories, and I will breakdown anyway.
Breakdowns are not good, I have decided. Painful, agonizing tears – and your head hurts to the point where you’d rather rip it off. Every breath feels short, unfulfilling. I clutch my throat, tears wetting my pillow, trying to get a gasp that will let me live. My brain does not help – filling my eyes with images of all the things I have, all the things I do not deserve and all the things I will eventually lose. Somewhere, at the back of my head, I fear someone will enter the room and see my state. Deeper still, there is the fear that they will see it, and do nothing.
I have to try harder to be happy. They want me to be happy.
I force myself out of the house because that is what is expected of me. I have to be the sweet, caring and happy girl everyone thinks I am.
I try not to think too much on such days, try to block out every single thought. I put on headphones purely to shut out the world. There is no music. Music would make me cry. I make sure I am wearing a hoodie, or at least something large enough to hide me if I breakdown. If it gets out of hand – there is always the blade to help it stop.
Some days turn out surprisingly good – a switch that turns on – and my mood changes.
Some days I fail – I end up screaming and crying the minute I am back home, back to my thoughts.
I wish I could be happy, be normal.
I wish I wasn’t me.
On clearer days, I wonder – why do I go through this? Why am I not happy? Everything seems perfectly great on the outside – I have friends who care about me, I have a family who loves me, I am excelling at my course. Why am I haunted with my past?
I keep reminding myself – it is over now. No one will hurt you now. You are stronger. You are bolder. You will survive.
Except I don’t want to.
I think I am in a dysfunctional relationship with happiness. Sometimes it loves me, I love her. And sometimes we hate each other. Sometimes we break up. Sometimes we marry for a few weeks. I have developed my coping mechanisms for every divorce.
Sometimes, I write.
Other times, I draw, or work on an assignment that I enjoy.
The aim is to distract, to forget that I am not happy. Sometimes, even pretending to be happy actually works. Hey – fake it till you make it!
When nothing seems to work, I cry. Letting it all out can help get things back on track.
Most of all – I remind myself that it will be over soon. I will feel better eventually. After all, tomorrow’s a new day, a new life and a new beginning.
like the sun,
there at times – beaming,
and then gone,
and back again
and the world
and the confusion
until i am empty
with all the feelings
all i see
is a crumpled up paper piece
and half a broken pencil.