hold me

before i wake up

before this numbness is gone

and i can feel again

hold me

so that these memories don’t come back

so that these bruises don’t reappear

like flowers blooming on my hips

the evidence of my nightmare

hold me

so that i am trapped in this dream

this numbness is my safe haven

all i want is to lie here

mid-way to death

before your hands force me to life again.






they were all so beautiful

in your hair

they reminded me of sunshine

and of green pastures

and i could only watch

as another

flooded it with fire.


your hands
are wrinkled
and tired
and calloused
more so with every touch
almost as if
your youth
was dissolving
into me
like a happy pill
in water
its own existence
while giving away
what little it had.


candles cast yellow shadows
on a dark blue floor
and the misty eyed woman
and her turban
seem to shimmer
in the haze
of greed and longing
almost calling out to me
through you
and i almost reach out
my hands parting
this is my last chance
to hold you
to tell you
that i can’t 
feel this anymore.

What if…?

I am currently doing a design course and we have this one subject called ‘Integrative Seminar’, where we discuss cities and spaces and their connection with people. It is one of my favourite classes – it is kind of like having a really deep discussion about life and society and the way we function.

We just started a new semester and the book that we are supposed to study this time is titled ‘Invisible Cities’ by Italo Calvino. It is brilliantly written novel that truly reaches out to the depths of your heart.

One of the stories we read ended with this haunting line: Desires are already memories.

So many of us start off with high ambitions, but by the time we reach them, we are too old to be able to enjoy them any more. In fact, we spend our entire lives trying to achieve something we aren’t even sure about. We study hard to get a job, when we get a job we try to get married, when we get married, we go for kids, and when we finally settle for a life we are happy in, God goes kinda like this: ‘It’s time up for you, sweetie!’

It makes me wonder – what is the point of all this?

Is it that there is some sort of afterlife, a heaven that we go to after we die? If so, then at least our struggle means something, however infinitesimal.

But what if there is nothing after we are all dead? What if all this stress we take, all the work we do means absolutely zilch? What if, after death, all that remains is behind is dust and bones? What if death for our body means death for our soul?

We humans have a tendency to search for reasons behind everything that happens. What if there is no reason? What if things happen simply because they happen?

It is a question I don’t particularly enjoy thinking about, and yet there it is in my head everyday. It is a fear that chills me to the core of my heart.

I don’t think that finding a conclusive answer to these questions is possible. We can only have faith in what we believe in. But the question is – how do you believe in something you’re not sure about?




Those who want to check out the work I do at college, please follow the college blog I started a couple of days back: http://www.mrudulakisdi.wordpress.com

There are only two assignments put up as of now, but I will update it as and when I finish each project.