obliterate

i want to feel again
i want to feel my life crumbling to pieces
i want to see the battle
between nostalgia
and pain
and bottled emotions
i want the war
to obliterate every reason
for my existence.
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hold

hold me

before i wake up

before this numbness is gone

and i can feel again

hold me

so that these memories don’t come back

so that these bruises don’t reappear

like flowers blooming on my hips

the evidence of my nightmare

hold me

so that i am trapped in this dream

this numbness is my safe haven

all i want is to lie here

mid-way to death

before your hands force me to life again.

open

you make me feel

like your fingers are peeling open my mind

turning it inside out

forcing my nails across a chalkboard

leaving white trails

a warning

a taste

of everything that is to come.

colours 

brown

blue

green

they were all so beautiful

in your hair

they reminded me of sunshine

and of green pastures

and i could only watch

as another

flooded it with fire.

mother

your hands
are wrinkled
and tired
and calloused
more so with every touch
almost as if
your youth
was dissolving
into me
like a happy pill
in water
effervescent
questioning
its own existence
while giving away
what little it had.

blame

i don’t blame you

i don’t blame you for screaming

i don’t blame you for hurting

for crying

for feeling

i don’t blame you for anything you do

and yet you blame me

for every step you take

like it is my fault i have bruises from your assaults

like it is my fault that you hate me enough to stay

all i want is to go back to when you were in love with me

so in love that you didn’t speak for weeks

at least i didn’t have to wear long sleeves and bandages.

What does it take to be happy?

There are days when I can’t bring myself to face the world. My head and heart feels empty – as if there is nothing left to live for. Getting out of bed, going to college and risking a breakdown is too much to handle. And yet, I don’t want to stay where I am – at home – because I know that staying here will bring back unwanted memories, and I will breakdown anyway.

Breakdowns are not good, I have decided. Painful, agonizing tears – and your head hurts to the point where you’d rather rip it off. Every breath feels short, unfulfilling. I clutch my throat, tears wetting my pillow, trying to get a gasp that will let me live. My brain does not help – filling my eyes with images of all the things I have, all the things I do not deserve and all the things I will eventually lose. Somewhere, at the back of my head, I fear someone will enter the room and see my state. Deeper still, there is the fear that they will see it, and do nothing.

I have to try harder to be happy. They want me to be happy.

I force myself out of the house because that is what is expected of me. I have to be the sweet, caring and happy girl everyone thinks I am.

I try not to think too much on such days, try to block out every single thought. I put on headphones purely to shut out the world. There is no music. Music would make me cry. I make sure I am wearing a hoodie, or at least something large enough to hide me if I breakdown. If it gets out of hand – there is always the blade to help it stop.

Some days turn out surprisingly good – a switch that turns on – and my mood changes.

Some days I fail – I end up screaming and crying the minute I am back home, back to my thoughts.

I wish I could be happy, be normal.

I wish I wasn’t me.

On clearer days, I wonder – why do I go through this? Why am I not happy? Everything seems perfectly great on the outside – I have friends who care about me, I have a family who loves me, I am excelling at my course. Why am I haunted with my past?

I keep reminding myself – it is over now. No one will hurt you now. You are stronger. You are bolder. You will survive.

Except I don’t want to.

I think I am in a dysfunctional relationship with happiness. Sometimes it loves me, I love her. And sometimes we hate each other. Sometimes we break up. Sometimes we marry for a few weeks. I have developed my coping mechanisms for every divorce.

Sometimes, I write.

Other times, I draw, or work on an assignment that I enjoy.

The aim is to distract, to forget that I am not happy. Sometimes, even pretending to be happy actually works. Hey – fake it till you make it!

When nothing seems to work, I cry. Letting it all out can help get things back on track.

Most of all – I remind myself that it will be over soon. I will feel better eventually. After all, tomorrow’s a new day, a new life and a new beginning.